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A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Teen Years
You've lived through 2 AM feedings, toddler temper tantrums, and the
back-to-school blues. So why is the word "teenager" causing you so
much anxiety?
When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense
growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's
understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many
families.
Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teens, they are
often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in
what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict
between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help
kids grow into the distinct individuals they will become.
Understanding the Teen Years
So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your
kid is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late
arrivers, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other
words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.
But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction
between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the
development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts, menstrual
periods, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are certainly the most
visible signs of impending adulthood, but kids who are showing
physical changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) can also be
going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the
outside. These are the changes of adolescence.
Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change
in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from
Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, kids
this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their
peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in.
Kids often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and
they become acutely aware of how they differ from their peers, which
can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents.
Butting Heads
One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild
teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be the
case for some kids and this
is
a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is
not
representative of most teens.
But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence.
For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from their parents
— especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come
across as teens always seeming to have different opinions than their
parents or not wanting to be around their parents in the same way
they used to.
As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally.
They're forming their moral code. And parents of teens may find that
kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will
suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly
and rebelling against parental control.
You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to
be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a
controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my
child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"
Tips for Parenting During the Teen Years
Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are
some tips:
Educate Yourself
Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years.
Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at
developing early — or late. Expect some mood changes in your
typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as he or
she matures as an individual. Parents who know what's coming can
cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can
prepare.
Talk to Your Child Early Enough
Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already
started means you're too late. Answer the early questions kids
have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls
and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information
— just answer their questions.
You know your kids. You can hear when your child's starting to tell
jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is
increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions
such as:
A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A
doctor can tell your preadolescent — and you — what to expect in the
next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good
parent/child discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion,
the more likely your child will be to form misconceptions or become
embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.
Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the
better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years.
Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it.
Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing
that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a child more at ease.
Put Yourself in Your Child's Place
Practice empathy by helping your child understand that it's normal
to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel
grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.
Pick Your Battles
If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black,
or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teens want to
shock their parents and it's a lot better to let them do something
temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really
matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.
Maintain Your Expectations
Teens will likely act unhappy with expectations their parents place
on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that
their parents care enough about them to expect certain things such
as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of
the house. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens will
likely try to meet them.
Inform Your Teen — and Stay Informed Yourself
The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes
that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the
subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these
things openly with kids
before
they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act
responsibly when the time comes.
Know your child's friends — and know their friends' parents. Regular
communication between parents can go a long way toward creating a
safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Parents can help
each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the
kids feel that they're being watched.
Know the Warning Signs
A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but
too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may
signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch
for one or more of these warning signs:
Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks
can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or
two in your teen's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B
student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing
kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a
local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find
proper counseling.
Respect Kids' Privacy
Some parents, understandably, have a very hard time with this one.
They may feel that anything their kids do is their business. But to
help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some
privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade
your child's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But
otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.
In other words, your teenager's room and phone calls should be
private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts
or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons,
you should always know where teens are going, what they're doing,
and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you
definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!
Monitor What Kids See and Read
TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — kids have access to
tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be
afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the
computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and
who they may be communicating with online.
Make Appropriate Rules
Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was
when your child was a baby. Reward your teen for being trustworthy.
Does your child keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And
does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Decide what
your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing child
doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt
the same way about
your
mom and dad.
Will This Ever Be Over?
As kids progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of
the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll
become independent, responsible, communicative young adults. So
remember the motto of many parents with teens: We're going through
this together, and we'll come out of it — together!
Reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD
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