Talking to Your Child About Pube

Talking to Your Child About Puberty

Today, kids are exposed to so much information about sex and relationships on TV and the Internet that by the time they approach puberty, they may be familiar with some advanced ideas. And yet, talking about the issues of puberty remains an important job for parents because not all of a child's information comes from reliable sources.

Don't wait for your child to come to you with questions about his or her changing body — that day may never arrive, especially if your child doesn't know it's OK talk to you about this sensitive topic.

Timing Is Everything

Ideally, as a parent, you've already started talking to your child about the changes our bodies go through as we grow. Since the toddler years, kids have questions and most of your discussions probably come about as the result of your child's inquiries.

It's important to answer these questions about puberty honestly and openly — but don't always wait for your child to initiate a discussion. By the time kids are 8 years old, they should know what physical and emotional changes are associated with puberty. That may seem young, but consider this: some girls are wearing training bras by then and some boys begin to grow facial hair just a few years later.

With girls, it's vital that parents talk about menstruation before they actually get their periods. If they are unaware of what's happening, girls can be frightened by the sight and location of blood. Most girls get their first period when they're 12 or 13 years old, although some get it as early as age 8 and others get it as late as age 16.

On average, boys begin going through puberty a little later than girls, usually around age 11 or 12. But they may begin to develop sexually or have their first ejaculation without looking older or developing facial hair first.

Just as it helps adults to know what to expect with changes such as moving to a new home or working for a new company, kids should know about puberty beforehand.

Many kids receive some sex education at school. Often, though, the lessons are segregated, and the girls hear primarily about menstruation and training bras while the boys hear about erections and changing voices. It's important that girls learn about the changes boys go through and that boys learn about those affecting girls, so check with teachers about their lesson plans so you know what gaps need to be filled.

What to Say

When talking to kids about puberty, it's important to offer reassurance that these changes are normal. Puberty brings about so many changes, and it's easy for a child to feel insecure.

Many times, adolescents will express insecurity about their appearance as they go through puberty, but it can help them to know that everyone goes through the same things and that there's a huge amount of normal variation in their timing. Acne, mood changes, growth spurts, and hormonal changes — it's all part of growing up and everyone goes through it, but not always at the same pace.

Girls may begin puberty as early as second or third grade, and it can be upsetting if your daughter is the first one to get a training bra, for example. She may feel alone and awkward or like all eyes are on her in the school locker room.

With boys, observable changes include the deepening of the voice and the growth of facial hair. And just as with girls, if your son is an early bloomer, he may feel awkward or like he's the subject of stares from his classmates.

Kids should know the following about puberty:

Girls become more rounded, especially in the hips and legs.
Girls' breasts begin to swell and then grow.
Girls and boys get pubic hair and underarm hair, and their leg hair becomes thicker and darker.
Boys' penises and testicles grow larger.
Boys' voices change and become deeper.
Boys sometimes have wet dreams, which means they ejaculate in their sleep.
When a girl begins menstruating, once a month, her uterine lining fills with blood in preparation for a fertilized egg. If the egg isn't fertilized, she will have a period. If it is fertilized, she will become pregnant.
A girl's period may last 3 days to a week, and she can use sanitary napkins (pads) or tampons to absorb the blood.

Common Questions

Not surprisingly, kids usually have lots of questions as they learn about puberty. For you, it's important to make sure you give your child the time and opportunity to ask questions — and answer them as honestly and thoroughly as possible.

Some of the most common questions are:

Questions	Answers
What is this hard lump in my breast?	Girls may notice small, sometimes tender, lumps beneath their nipples as their breasts are beginning to develop. This is perfectly normal. The firmness and tenderness will go away in time as the breasts continue to enlarge.
Why are my breasts so small (or so large)?	Breast size is hereditary, and your daughter needs to be reassured that, big or small, all breasts are beautiful. Size won't affect your daughter's attractiveness or her ability to breastfeed if she becomes a mother someday.
Why is my penis so small (or so large)?	With boys, the focus can be on the penis. It's important to reassure your son that the size of the penis when erect has nothing to do with the size of the penis when it's not.
Why don't I have pubic hair yet?	Everyone develops pubic hair, although some teens are hairier than others and some get it later than others. Just as with breast size or height, the amount or thickness of pubic hair is an individual trait.
I'm a boy, so why am I getting breasts?	Some boys experience temporary breast growth during puberty. The condition, called gynecomastia, is caused by some hormones produced by the testicles during puberty. It usually disappears, often within a few months to 1 year.
Why haven't I gotten my period yet?	As with all of the changes in puberty, periods come at different times for different girls. Some girls may not get their periods until they are 16 years old. This is usually normal, although it can be tough for them when all of their friends have already gotten their periods.

Tips for Talking

Let your child know that you're available any time to talk, but it's also important that you make time to talk. Just as it can be embarrassing or difficult for you to talk about these sensitive topics, your child may hesitate to go to you. As a parent, it's your job to try to discuss puberty — and the feelings associated with those changes — as openly as possible.

It can be made easier if you're confident that you know the subject matter. First, before you answer your child's questions, make sure your own questions about puberty have been answered. If you're not entirely comfortable having a conversation about puberty, practice what you want to say first or ask your child's teacher for advice. Let your child know that it's a little uncomfortable for you, but it's an important talk to have.

If there are questions or concerns about pubertal development that you can't answer, a visit to your child's doctor may help provide reassurance.

Reviewed by: Barbara Homeier, MD
Date reviewed: January 2005